Can teachers be friends with their adult English students?
Friendship can develop when teachers and adult learners spend time together, share experiences and enjoy each other’s company. Before that relationship moves outside lessons, decide what you are comfortable sharing, how much time you can offer and how you will keep classroom expectations clear.
In S07E20 of How to English TEFL Podcast, Gav is comfortable with a friendly, familiar classroom relationship. Em describes occasions when she stepped back because familiarity became uncomfortable and students wanted more of her time. Neither experience gives us one answer for every teacher. The useful question is whether the relationship works for you while allowing you to teach the whole class fairly.
👇 Scroll down for Em’s boundary reflection checklist at the bottom of this page.
👇 Watch Gav and Em discuss friendship and boundaries with students in this extract from S07E20.
By Gav & Em
What do you mean by being friends?
Em begins with a recognisable situation: you spend a lot of time with lovely people, and someone invites you out or offers to introduce you to local food and culture. If you teach abroad, that welcome may be particularly valuable. Gav points out that students can offer advice and companionship when you do not yet know many people.
Gav’s own description needs a little unpacking. He says he likes his students and shares things with them up to a point. He also acknowledges that he would not necessarily socialise with everyone. His friendly classroom manner does not mean every learner has the same personal relationship with him.
Before accepting an invitation, ask yourself what you think it means. You may see an occasional group meal; a learner may hope for regular personal contact. A pleasant evening does not settle what either person expects afterwards. You do not need to turn the invitation into a meeting about friendship, but you do need to know what you are agreeing to.
Notice the point where warmth becomes a demand
Em’s example is about time as well as classroom behaviour. Students who had become friends stayed after lessons to talk when she had another class to teach. She found herself unsure whether helping was part of her job or something she should do because she liked the person.
That uncertainty is a useful signal. The difficulty may be an unclear finishing time, an expectation of extra teaching or a social conversation you would enjoy at another moment. Identify which demand is causing the problem before deciding the whole relationship must change.
For a practical adaptation of Em’s example, imagine a learner staying behind while your next class waits. You could say: ‘I need to start my next lesson now. Please bring that language question to our next class.’ If it is a personal chat, you can simply say you cannot stay today. These are suggested responses, not lines spoken in the episode.
Give a response you can sustain. Offering to talk later only helps if you actually want to and have time. You can like somebody and still finish work on time.
Keep the classroom understandable to everyone
Em worries that social familiarity can change how learners speak to the teacher. A playful exchange between friends may look different to classmates who do not share that relationship. She also notes that students can question a task whether or not they are friends with the teacher.
Gav is more comfortable with playfulness. He still expects to direct a specific grammar or vocabulary task when he believes it matters. The distinction worth keeping is between an easy atmosphere and uncertainty about what the class is doing.
If a learner jokes about skipping an activity, explain its purpose and give the same instruction you would give anyone else. For example: ‘This round is for practising clarification questions. Try it with your partner, then we’ll compare what helped.’ You can acknowledge the humour while making the next step clear.
Also check your own behaviour. Are private jokes taking over? Does one learner receive much more attention? Those are useful questions for reflection, rather than evidence that friendship automatically damages a class. Focus on the observable effect and adjust that.
Help the group connect without making yourself constantly available
Gav suggests shared spaces, such as a class messaging group or Google Classroom, where learners can share experiences, activities and feedback. Em develops the idea: the class members can build friendships with one another. The teacher does not have to be the centre of every social connection.
If a shared space suits your course, explain its purpose and when you will respond. A place for optional class discussion is different from a promise of private help at any hour. This is an application of their discussion, not a communication policy they set out in the recording.
A group space will not suit everybody. If learners prefer to keep contact within lessons, give them opportunities to connect there. The aim is a workable class relationship, rather than another channel everyone feels obliged to monitor.
You can reset an expectation that no longer works
Em says she cooled off when a friendship became over-familiar and demanding. Her reflection is that she had not always been sure what she wanted or what students expected. She recommends thinking about boundaries at the beginning of a course.
If that beginning has already passed, name the specific change you need now. You might explain that you will leave promptly after lessons or deal with language questions during class. Keep it about your availability and teaching arrangements, without blaming someone for expectations you had never made clear.
Then notice what happens. If the learner respects the change, you may not need a bigger conversation. If the same demand continues, repeat the limit clearly and reconsider how much social contact you want. Em also raises a practical complication: if a friendship ends, the person may still be in your class.
This discussion centres on social relationships with adult learners. It should not be carried over to children’s classes as permission for the same arrangements. Within the adult context, Gav and Em’s different preferences leave room for a decision that fits you. You can welcome people, enjoy teaching them and choose how much of your life outside work you share.
Em suggests: decide your boundaries before you need them
A private teacher reflection based on S07E20. The checklist and fictional situations below are newly designed for this article.
☐ Decide what friendship would mean for you beyond a friendly lesson.
☐ Notice whether the current difficulty concerns time, extra teaching or classroom behaviour.
☐ Choose the contact and availability you are comfortable offering.
☐ Make lesson expectations equally clear to everyone.
☐ Check whether private familiarity is leaving classmates out.
☐ State one specific limit if an expectation needs to change.
☐ Offer a later conversation only when you are willing and able to have it.
☐ Review whether the arrangement still lets you teach comfortably.
Activity: choose a limit and practise saying it
Situation A: An adult learner stays to chat after every lesson. You enjoy the conversation, but your next class is waiting.
Situation B: You joined a class meal. In the next lesson, one learner repeatedly refers to private jokes while the rest of the group waits.
Your task: Choose one situation. Write the observable difficulty, the limit you need and one sentence you could say. Work privately or rehearse with a colleague using the fictional details. Then imagine the person asks you to make an exception and practise your reply.
Response guidance: For A, a workable reply states that you must start the next class and ends the conversation. For B, acknowledge the comment briefly and bring everyone back to the shared task. There is no single required script: check that your sentence is clear, respectful and makes no offer you cannot keep. After trying a boundary in practice, review whether it resolved the specific difficulty.
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Explore the complete S07E20 episode guide and transcription 🔊